Obituaries
Jaeger, Bruce C.
The bluegrass music and sportscar worlds (SEE "Worlds in Collision," Immanuuel Velikovsky, Encyclopedia Britannica) were saddened today by the announcement of the untimely demise of their beloved Bruce Jaeger.
Jaeger had been dining with his wife at Murray’s Restaurant in downtown Minneapolis last evening. Nearby patrons reported that they heard a loud belching sound followed by a male voice saying: "Bring it up again and we’ll vote on it!"
Shortly thereafter, said busboy Washington Zadishes, "I heard a loud sneeze and then a man yell: "You think that’s funny? Well, it’s snot!"
An automobile repairman, James Bondo, was dining near the Jaegers at the time and reported hearing Jaeger shout "Hawaiian war chant!" His wife replied: "What?" and Jaeger yelled: "Gotta Rippa Lulu!" and then produced an eructation of colonic origin as to redefine the concept of ozone debilitation.
A discussion then ensued in which Ms. Jaeger allegedly said: "I read in the New England Medical Journal that if a man were to sneeze, belch and fart simultaneously, it would be fatal." Jaeger is purported to have replied: "What? That’s nonsense! Why, I can do that!"
At which point, Jaeger did exactly that. His wife pulled out a gun and shot him.
A waiter, Howard DaFries, dashed across the room, wrestled the gun away from her and shot him again. "Just to be sure," said DaFries.
Memorial services will be held on the second Tuesday of next week accompanied by Jaeger’s longtime friends Timothy Winker, James Putnam, Scott Benson and Alan Jesperson. Jaeger will be cremated and, according to his will, his ashes poured down the pants of C. J. Anderson. Contacted by phone, a sobbing Anderson said: "I’m sure he would have wanted it that way."
End