adventures of "Groaner" Fred Furter and Joe Kajuba
Copyright 1974, 2002 by Bruce Jaeger. All rights reserved.
(Printed in the DNF, November 1974 through February 1975)
Episode #1: Reunion
"Groaner" Fred Furters enrollment with the
U.S. Army was finally over. Fred had joined four years previously when faced with a
crunched Jaguar, a 120 mph speeding ticket and a suspended license. He left the army with
a brand new drivers license, four hundred dollars and. an excellent background in
repairing Quimby-Meyerson VD Detectorometers.
Fred bought an old Sunbeam Alpine with the money. It ran, after a
fashion, and he used it in great job-hunting quests. The demand for Quimby-Meyerson VD
Detectorometers repairmen being slightly less than overwhelming, he had to settle for a
dollar-fifty an hour job pumping gas, With the essentials of life obtained (a car and a
jobthe girl comes in another episode*) Fred looked up his old pre-army sidekick, Joe
Joe, as it turned out, owned his own foreign-car repair garage.
This cane as a big surprise to Fred, who had only known Joe as a penniless leech.
"Hey, Joe!" he cried upon seeing him. "Where did
you get the money?"
"My rich uncle was killed in a car accident," replied
"That must have been a terrible shock."
"No, he had a tire blow on his car," corrected Joe.
"Well," said Groaner, "Those are the breaks!"
"Actually, Fred," said Joe, pointing, "Those are a
hunch of old voltage regulators." He dug in the pile for awhile until he found a
grimy old antique, What do you think of this, one?" he asked.
"I cant tell. Its pretty oily," answered
"All right, you can look again in the afternoon," said
Joe. "I cant see too well in the morning, myself."
"You do look exhausted," observed Fred.
"No," sighed Joe, "Herb over there handles the
mufflers. I just unloaded the Semperit truck. Im tired."
They walked inside the garage. Over in a dark corner a. muscular
man was beating on a pressure-plate with a lead hammer.
"I bet thats your clutch-hitter!" giggled Fred.
Joe moaned. Picking up a polyester-cord tire, he said,
"Howd you like a belted in the mouth?" He threw the tire at Fred.
"Hey!" shouted Fred. "Dont throw your old
biases at me!" The man working on the clutch clamped his hand firmly over his mouth
and stumbled towards the bathroom.
"Groaner, now look what youve done!" said Joe.
"Did he sit on a tach?" asked Fred. "Did he
"Fred, go play in the freeway."
"I cant," said Fred. "I just ate, and my
dentist said to avoid between-meal streets."
"OUT!" screamed Joe, nauseated.
Fred thought it over, and decided it might be a good idea to
leave, especially since he saw Joe picking up a metric crescent wrench, murder in his
eyes. The bathroom was still occupied by the hapless mechanic, so Fred piston the sink
before he left.
* Dirty pun!
Episode #2: "Groaner" and the Girl
"Groaner" Fred Punter was working at the gas station
one day about a week after the incident in Joe Kajubas garage. Suddenly, a beautiful
girl in a wheezing old Triumph Herald Sedan drove up. "Whatll it be?" Fred
asked. "Will you marry me?"
"A bucks worth of your worst," she replied.
"Whats your name?" queried Fred.
"Well, youd he just another month to feed,
anyway." Fred collected a dollar for the gas. Smiling apologetically, he said,
"I own a Sunbeam Alpine. How do you like English cars?"
"How do you like the Asian Flu?" replied June.
"Hey!" said Fred. "youre a good
"You take that back. Im not that kind of girl."
Seeing that that line of attack wasnt getting him anywhere,
Groaner asked, "Wanna go on a road rally with me tonight? You can be my
"Just hold on a sextant, mister!"
"Oh, we can do that, too, if youre willing."
"In a little Sunbeam?"
"Oh no, its a night rally. Itll be dark."
"Well, in that case, I have three bottles," finished
"Huh?" went Fred.
Fred and June drew the number 27 when the registered for the
rally. They were the only English car there--the rallymaster commended them for their
A few minutes before they were clue to leave, Fred suggested
going to a gas station.
"Why?" asked June, "The tanks full of
"So am I," replied Fred.
They made it back just in time to leave for the odometer
check. It didnt take them long to get lost. Even worse, while roaring around in the
boondocks looking for a "Right after "Kinninnickinick Picnic Grounds" the
Sunbeam gave up the ghost and quit.
"Typical English car," murmured June.
"Yeah," agreed Fred, "Put it is sort of romantic,
isnt it?" After turning off the lights, he extended his right arm and gently
fondled the shift knob.
"I thought that move was going to go bust," said June.
"I was going to make a clean breast of things." Fred
grabbed the heavy lead knockoff hammer and proceeded to repair the Alpines engine.
"Its rally time we got going," urged June.
"I guess youre right. I think Ill try for those
two checkpoints again."
"Keep your hands on the wheel."
Fred, June and the Alpine sputtered off into the moonset.
Episode #3: The Lake Street Jungle
Shortly after the road rally described in the last episode,
Freds Sunbeam broke down again, which English cars tend to do as regularly as
clockwork. Since he lacked a fairly important part--a crankshaft--Fred persuaded June to
drive him ever to Joe Kajubas garage.
"Hi, Joe," he said as they walked in, "This is
"The hell You say. We all thought it was April. You
havent told anyone else, have you?"
"He probably thinks hes the first person to crack that
joke," whispered June to Fred.
"I certainly wont be the last," Joe whispered to
rune, overhearing her.
"Have you not a crankshaft for a Sunbeam Alpine?"
whispered Fred to Joe.
"No!" hollered Joe. "The demand is so great, I
cant keep them in stock."
"Where do I have to go to get one?"
"Oh, No!" June rasped, clutching Freds arm.
"Yes," said Joe. "Im afraid its the
June, Fred and Joe all squeezed into Junes Triumph
Herald and rattled their way towards Lake Street. Just as they turned onto Lake Street
from a side road, they were overtaken by what once might have been a Plymouth Road Runner.
The front end, rolling on motorcycle tires, was so low that the license plate trailed a.
shower of sparks as the car slowed for a light. The rear end of the Road Runner, resting
on top of 24 inch wide tires, was jacked six feet in the air by a combination of springs,
shackles and rail stolen from a Soo Line freight yard. Huge un-muffled straight pipes
suspended between the axle and frame rumbled sounds as pleasant to listen to as a baby
throwing up on your new deep pile carpet. The Road Runners paint job looked like it
was done by the same baby.
The "car" rolled to a stop next to June in the Triumph,
The cars passenger, a teenager suffering from terminal acne, rolled down the window
and leered at June.
"Hiya, cutey!" he belched.
"Yuch!" June replied. The Road Runners driver
revved the engine, and a pane of glass shattered across the street. The driver leaned over
the passenger and stuck his head near the window.
"Wanna drag?" he shouted.
"Im no queer," answered Joe. "Ask Fred,
though," he offered.
"Do you want to carry your teeth home in your hand?"
Joe asked Fred.
"Hey, You assholes, do you wanna race?" hollered the
passenger with the pizza-face.
"Now theyre throwing ethnic slurs at us," said
June. "Say, fellows," she said, leaning out her window, "Dont you
know that in the Declaration. of Independence, it states that All men are created equal,
and that.. ." The rest was lost in the thunder of exhaust and squealing tires as the
Road Runners crew escaped Junes lecture.
"That equality speech sure scared them off, you pretty
little Dago, you!" said Fred.
Episode #4: Brainerd International Raceway
"Groaner" Fred Furter successfully repaired his
Sunbeam Alpine, proving once again that Practice Makes Perfect. Knowing that good things
seldom last forever--or even till the next paycheck--Fred decided to take a good trip in
the Alpine before it had another chance to self-destruct. Fred decided to chance the trip
Since going alone to BIR is like making love to your wristwatch*,
Fred asked June to accompany him to the races. Foolishly, she agreed.
Fred arrived in front of Junes apartment very, very early
"Hi! Hows tricks?" he asked as she stumbled
sleepily to the car.
"Im not that kind of girl!"
After travelling about thirty miles, June expressed an interest
in driving. Fred, too tired to think straight, was willing to let her. After changing
places, she revved the engine, engaged the clutch, put the stick into the vague slot that
meant "first" and killed the engine.
"Ive never driven a high-performance sports car
before," she explained.
"Neither have I," creaked Fred. June was lucky enough
to get the car running again, and crunched her way up through the gears.
"I dont like your shiftsl" cried Fred.
Well, I didnt have a thing to wear!" said June.
The battered Sunbeam started making horrible noises as they
neared the big town of Ogilvie, and Fred pulled into the towns hotel/general
store/filling station to see what was the matter. The grizzled old attendant listened to
the engine for awhile.
"You auto keep this tuned up!" he chuckled.
"I gotta drive all morning just to listen to this
clown" thought Fred as the old geezer fiddle-dicked with the engine. "Hey, old
timer, have you lived in this hamlet all your life?" he asked.
"Not yet," giggled the old pump jockey. His giggles
suddenly turned into a coughing spasm, which mucked up the Alpines windscreen no
end. "Actually," said the old man, "I was born in Wisconsin."
"Oh! said June. "Which part?"
"All of me! cackled the old geezer as he threw up on the
Fred propped the man up against a gas pump, gave the Alpine a
good, swift kick--which fixed the engine--and they took off.
Fred and June arrived at the race track late Saturday morning,
and pulled up at Freds favorite corner just as practice was about to end. Fred was
talking to one of the corner workers as a Mini with the number 42D went by.
"42D!" laughed Fred. "Thats pretty big for
such a small car!
"Huh?" mumbled the worker.
"That guy must be a real pervert!"
"No," replied the worker, "Hes a bisexual.
He wants it, he buys it."
As Fred couldnt stand the thought of anybody being funnier
than himself, he wandered away to get his joke file.
The races Saturday afternoon went without further incident. When
they were over, Fred and June left for the lakeshore campground they had decided upon. As
they pulled in, Fred spied a beautiful chick sunbathing in a rowboat 30 feet from shore.
"Now theres a girl certainly worth wading for!"
exclaimed Fred. (If looks could kill, the daggers in Junes eyes would have made
further episodes of this tale unnecessary.) The girl rowed the boat to shore, pulled on
her pants, and walked provocatively away.
"Ah, yes!" said Fred. "Another case of the end
justifying the jeans!"
They ate din-din, and went to bed. Those damned English
June was shaking Fred. "Get up, you lazy lout; I got up
bright and early to watch the sunrise "
"Couldnt have picked a better time."
"Hurry up," hastened June. "Ive made two
kinds of eggs for you this morning-take your pick."
"I think Ill use my hammer instead," quipped
Fred, now fully awake. After eating, they left for the track. About halfway to the track,
Fred started complaining.
"What was in those eggs? Uranium?"
"Why?" asked June, bracing herself,
"Because Ive got atomic ache!" He was driving, so
June didnt dare hit him.
The temperature was soaring as Fred and June arrived at the track
for the second day of racing. As they entered the infield, the girl from the rowboat, clad
once again in a skimpy bikini, walked over to Fred.
"Hi," she purred. "Isnt this balmy
"Id certainly like to," said Fred, "But June
here would kill me." Fortunately, there was a diversion at this point as a car left
the track and demolished a spectators beer keg. The irate spectator hauled the
driver out of the car.
"Oh!" said Fred, "Did you see that fanbelt
The girl ran off.
As they drove back to the cities after the races, June
complained, "Ive got a terrible sunburn."
"Well," giggled Fred, "You certainly got what you
* An excellent idea for a Hot-To article!
Episode #5: Happily Ever After
Many moons had gone by since the Brainerd race in the last
episode. Some of the moons were from convertibles, but most were from sedans. Anyway, our
story opens with Fred, June and Joe arriving at a party for SCCA Land-O-Lakes Region race
workers. Fred and June were entering the party room just as Joe was parking his Volkswagen
Sex-Van. June immediately informed Fred that she had to "powder her nose," and
went off to the ladies room.
"Gee," said Fred, "I thought she didnt wear
Joe walked in. "Hiya, Fred! Wheres June?"
"Shes powdering her nose."
"Oh. Shes dumping a load. Laying a cable."
"Joe, you always had such a way with words."
"Well, lets go in. Shall find us."
With that, "Groaner" Fred Furter and Joe Kajuba entered
the main ballroom. While there was none of that going on, there was plenty of liquor.
Hundreds of pretty girls were lined up against the walls.
"Sure are a lot of pretty girls lined up against the
walls," mentioned Fred.
"Yep," agreed Joe. "Sure are. Say Fred, what do
you get when you cut 2000 bras in half?"
"Wha?" mumbled Fred.
"4000 beanies with chin straps!" screamed Joe as he
rolled along the floor.
"Hey!" exclaimed Fred, "I didnt even give
you a straight line! Thats not fair!"
"Well I couldnt wait forever," Joe explained.
"Okay, give me a straight line, then."
"Sure are a lot of pretty girls lined up against the
walls," said Fred. "You know what the Mormons say."
"Sure," replied Joe, "I dont care how you
Brigham, just Brigham Young!" He and Fred slapped each other on the back, giggling
"Hey!" puffed Fred as he caught his breath,
"Lookit that Swedish girl!"
"You mean that smorgasbroad?" chuckled Joe.
"Yeah. Boy, thats a low-cut dress. I wish all girls
would show that much heart!"
"Wow!" said Joe, "Shes got an astounding
"And to think Ive been calling them boobies all my
life!" sighed Fred. At this point, June joined Fred, and told him she wanted to
leave. Fred suspected that she didnt like all the competition, but he said nothing.
As they left, Joe was approaching the Swedish girl.
"Hi!" greeter Joe. "Do you speak English?"
"Yes, a little," replied the tall Swedish beauty.
"Oh. Ahh, can I get you a drink?" stuttered Joe.
"Sure, Mac." They moved over to one of the many
bottle-covered tables located around the ballroom. Joe picked up a water glass and began
pouring bourbon into it.
"Say when," he said as he poured.
"Right after this drink will be fine with me."
Meanwhile, Fred and June were out parked in some secluded
lane. Fred was about to make his move, when he suddenly stopped and put his hands at his
side. June hung an "Out of Ardor" sign around his neck.
A two-toned American sedan with funny red lights pulled up
alongside and shined a spotlight into the Sunbeam, A uniformed man got out of the car and
walked over to Freds window.
"What are you doing in here?" he demanded.
"Then get out and let a man in there!" leered the
Fred and June drove away, and June whispered something in
Freds ear. "The hell you are!" shouted Fred, and they were married the
very next day.
Note: June was a sleepy bride... she couldnt stay awake for a second ....