Unchaste at Any Speed
adventures of "Groaner" Fred Furter and Joe Kajuba
Copyright 1975, 2002 by Bruce Jaeger. All rights reserved. (Printed
in the DNF, March 1975)
We rejoin our heroes, Fred and June Furter, at the breakfast
table. With his vast Army experience, Fred has managed to land a job as a private
detective, and does a little chinchilla ranching on the side.
Fred cut himself a piece of oatmeal and turned to June.
"I had a grave experience last night" he said.
"Yes. I was a wake all night." June grabbed an egg and
slapped him silly with it.
"Guess she didn't like the yolk," muttered Fred.
Later that morning, Fred's friend Joe Kajuba staggered over. His
eyes were bloodshot, his hands dirty and his blood tired.
"You look terrible, Joe," remarked Fred.
"Yeah," agreed Joe, "I just got out of a
"Yeah. Girlfriend's sick."
"Oh. Then why are your hands so dirty?"
"That? Well, I had a flat tire on the way over. I ran over a
"You mean you were so hung over that you couldn't even see a
"Well, the damned kid had it hidden under his coat! So I had
to get out to change atire. Had these clothes in the trunk."
"I thought June's breakfast was stale, until I heard your
jokes," said Fred. He slapped a cowboy hat on his head and drawled to Joe, "You
all want to see my Chinchilla ranch down in the basement?"
"My chinchilla ranch. I saw one on TV, and the guy said you
could make thousands of dollars a year selling chinchillas, so I built one."
"If you can make so much money," said Joe, "How
come the guy is selling them on TV, instead of selling them somewhere else? Have you sold
"Well, no ...Maybe I'll buy some TV time and sell them to
other chinchilla ranchers."
"Right," said Joe, "I'll take a look, away.
Where's your cellar?"
"0h, I keep it downstairs." Fred led Joe dean the
stairs, where he discovered all his cages jumbled in the middle of the cellar floor,
without a chinchilla to be seen.
"Rustlers!" screamed Fred. "Get a rope!" Joe
rolled on his back, laughing
"What's all this noise?" demanded June as she
stamped down the steps.
"Some polecat rustled all my chinohillas!" lamented
"Those damned things? I got tired of cleaning their smelly
cages, so I sold them all to the neighbor kids as hamsters. Got five bucks apiece."
"You've really got some stupid neighbors!" said Joe.
"Who cares?" exclaimed Fred. "We made a profit!
I'll just order another batch, and..." June shook her head.
Joe left while the cease-fire was still operative, and, since
one lady friend was sick, drove to South Minneapolis to see his next-in-line. (Remarked
Joe to himself, "She's nice ...but she's so phony, you can call out for pizza on
her." Joe even tells bad jokes to himself.)
The girl, who shall remain nameless, welcomed Joe into the house.
"Listen," said Joe. What would you say if I stole a
She reddened. "The same thing I'd say to anyone who had a
chance to steal the whole car, and only took the hubcaps!"
"Ah, well, ah ...."
"Listen, Joe," she said. "I'm not prone to